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Monday, 20 March 2017

A Personal Post About Depression

Source: Wikimedia
I would not wish depression on my worst enemy. That dark cloud that hangs over your head, blocking out the light as you can almost feel all the motivation to do anything drain from your body. That numbness that takes over your body to the point that you can barely move, but it doesn't really matter because you don't see the point in moving anyway.

I was first diagnosed with depression in 2008 when I was 19 years old. Last night, almost nine years from my initial diagnosis, it got the better of me, like it has many times before.

I know I'm not the only person in the world to have suffered with depression. I have friends who've suffered with it too. Some of them have suffered even worse than I have. But when it hits, it hits hard, and I always feel so alone. When I'm thinking straight, I know that I'm not alone. I have some wonderful friends who have told me a thousand times over that they're always there if I need them. But when that moment comes, I manage to convince myself that they don't want to hear about my problems and that I'd only be dragging them down - after all, my mental health has cost me friendships in the past. 

So what usually happen is that I sit there and sob. Sometimes I'll post something cryptic to social media, in the hopes that someone will message me and ask me if I'm ok, because I'm too ashamed to ask for help. Then I feel ashamed that I posted something cryptic. Sometimes someone will click onto how I'm feeling and message, other times I've been too cryptic and there's radio silence. I sit there, broken, feeling useless, ugly and unworthy of love. My mind starts racing, telling me that no one cares and that I'm an annoying pest, and that if everyone feels that way about me then I am most definitely the problem. 

I'm not writing this in order to gain sympathy. As I mentioned earlier, I know I'm not the only one who's felt this way. I suppose because depression is affecting me currently I'm writing this as some form of catharsis. Maybe someone will read this and be able to relate. Maybe only my friends will read this, and I hope if they do that they'll maybe gain some understanding as to why, on occasion, I become completely introverted and push people away, even though that's the opposite of what I want. What I want when I'm in this frame of mind is reassurance that I'm not a total waste of space. I also want a cuddle, but I've accepted that it's not likely to happen seeing as most of my closest friends live at least 10 miles away. 

I've spent today recovering from last night. I've managed to eat my meals, which is always a good sign. I've had some social contact with a wonderful friend who's been completely understanding and done his best to distract me from the demons in my head. 

I'm sorry if this was heavy to read, but I think I needed to vent. If there's someone reading this fighting the same battle as I am -  you are not alone. Talk to someone when you're feeling low, be it a friend, a relative or even a doctor. They care about you, and they want to help you through this. I promise.

Stacey Rose xx

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